


mistaking blood for wine

by ilikemybooksthick



Series: between the shadow and the soul [2]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Character Study, Introspection, M/M, Religious Discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27552817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilikemybooksthick/pseuds/ilikemybooksthick
Summary: “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.”Proverbs 17:9
Relationships: Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg (past)
Series: between the shadow and the soul [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2013985
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	mistaking blood for wine

He was never good at school.

He never got a proper chance.

He missed so much of it racing, which he was always punished for.

Spiteful adults everywhere, at school, at karting.

Constantly being told he wasn’t good enough, smart enough.

Too black, too bold.

Out of his place.

Bullied by peers and authority alike.

He found it hypocritical.

That a school that was supposed to spread the message of love and forgiveness, of Jesus, could be so cruel to a little boy.

Still, somehow, he gained strength through the lessons of the Lord, from the scripture.

He also learned how to defend himself.

He’d do what the others couldn’t.

He could be the bigger person.

Bigger and better.

He could prove them wrong.

He’d go higher, be greater, than anyone ever imagined. 

The word of God can be as complex as it can be simple.

Jesus spoke in parables for the ease of the people but as the centuries passed, it becomes harder and harder for us to understand the simpleness of a righteous man from long ago.

Matthew says,

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?'

Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”

He can still remember his teacher explaining this Gospel to him.

Jesus and Peter didn’t mean the actual numbers.

In modern times, it would be like Peter asking, “a hundred times?”, to mean “a lot of the time?” and Jesus responding, “a thousand”. It was a crazy number. Jesus meant “always”.

But Jesus can also be crystal clear.

In Luke:

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

He gets it. He knows the Gospel. 

And yet, he can’t seem to forgive.

You would think it wouldn't hurt so much after so many years.

But no.

He can still feel his anger as if Nico had just spoken to him, or just ignored him.

All while his bitterness sits comfortably in his heart as it has for ages.

It is as complex as it is simple, their relationship, or lack of.

He thought he was being the bigger person with Nico.

Not causing some big stir, not saying anything too mean, not saying anything at all.

It took him a long time to finally understand it.

This mix of anger, pain, bitterness, and everything in between.

But he gets it now.

Time didn't heal the wounds because they keep reopening.

There was never a time to lick their wounds in private.

They're both so present in the sport.

It’s all still so public, they can never truly avoid each other.

They can never truly rest or think or mourn or want.

There was never any absence for hearts to grow anything.

He once said racing was the very thing that built him and broke him.

And here he is, constantly bringing up the pain when he thought he was mending it.

By purposely not addressing it, he actually is addressing it.

Inadvertently feeding the cycle by thinking he's doing the right thing.

Avoidance isn't a solution.

It’s actually worse.

He knows that now.

He can admit that now. 

But knowing is only half the battle.

And in the end, knowing isn’t enough.

He was never the bigger person.

At least, not with Nico.

(He’s not sure if he can be when it comes to him.)

He wonders if that truly means he’ll never be forgiven in return.

He wonders if he even deserves that forgiveness at all. 

He thinks of the cross on his back and wonders:

Wasn’t it always there?

Did he simply put ink to his skin to symbolize the weight he already carried?

And now that everyone else could see it, did that make it harder for him to carry it?

He doesn’t know.

So, he gives and he gives.

Pushing, flat out, like he’s always has.

Going further, rising, up and up, higher and higher.

Hoping he won’t fall on this quest for greatness like he’s fallen on his quest for forgiveness.

Wondering how much further he can go; how high he can get.

He’s not sure what he’ll find, so high up, but he’s hoping it’s holy. 

**Author's Note:**

> These boys make me feel so much, I made a playlist about them yesterday too. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate it 💕
> 
> You can talk to me on [tumblr](https://ilikemyficthicc.tumblr.com/)


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